1. |
Conjugal Visit
03:57
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When I said I like to hang out at bars, I meant behind them,
When I tell you I’m always wearing orange, it’s not by choice,
So call me up on the telephone, you know the one behind bullet proof glass,
But can you get it up, can you get it up for a conjugal visit,
Can you get it up, can you get it up for me,
When you met my new best friend, it was my parole officer,
When I said bring some cash on our date, I meant for bail,
You won't hear from me, for a week or so,
I'm an introverted guy, when I'm in solitary,
But can you get it up, can you get it up for a conjugal visit
Can you get it up, can you get it up for me,
Can you get it up, can you get it up for a conjugal visit,
It’s not a breakup, without a restraining order,
It’s not romance until the cops get called,
The first time I saw you, I knew you’d look good in orange,
Nothing like a family trip upstate,
Nothing like a chance to see you again, to be with you, whoa-o-o
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2. |
Sausage Fingers
03:36
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Been looking for a girl as fine as you,
But people told me you used to be a dude,
I don’t care ‘cause that figure is all I see,
Got the biceps of a commander in the army,
It don’t matter ‘cause I feel safe with you, but you’ve got…
Sausage fingers, it drives me crazy when you hold my hand,
Sausage fingers, it would feel better knowing you're not a man,
Can I see your driver's license?
Let’s talk hospital records if we could,
Say on your birth certificate is there an F or is there an M,
People say that I’m a fool, but I can’t help I’ve only got eyes for you,
Still it would be nice to know, because you’ve got…
Sausage fingers, it drives me crazy when you hold my hand,
Sausage fingers, it would feel better knowing you're not a man,
Can I see your driver's license? Pull out your driver's license,
You push all my buttons, You open all my jars,
My priest don’t understand but baby we’re going far.
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3. |
Bingo Baller
03:54
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Rolling through the halls
Of the old folks’ home
With a subwoofer strapped
To the back of his Hoveround
Pounding out beats that'll rattle
All the dentures
A king among men
In all the senior centers
Bingo Baller
Geriatric shot caller whoaaa
All those blue haired ladies
Getting hot under the collar
Counting fat stacks of Bingo Bucks
Gonna make it rain
If that party gets too loud
Adjust his fucking hearing aid
In the lunchroom his table
Is the place that you want to be
Cups of tapioca pudding knocked back
Like shots of Hennessy
Bingo Baller
Geriatric shot caller whoaaa
All those blue haired ladies
Getting hot under the collar
He takes an ocean of pills
To keep his heart chugging
And no family visits
To do any hugging
This game is all he has
So he's the best there's ever been
To fill the dark hole of despair
From within
Bingo Baller
Geriatric shot caller Whoaaaa
All those blue haired ladies
Getting hot under the collar
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4. |
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The contract comes down the line
And he hitches up his wagon as it's
Time to go and find
The next to die
Wetwork is his game
And to him it's all the same
If he locks his steely gaze upon you
Say goodbye
It's a hard day's ride to the city
To get down to the nitty gritty
Of taking a motherfucking
Human life
He sees you in that diner
Den of sin
Donut in hand
And he carefully takes aim with his Slingshot Scythe
This is the Ballad of the Amish Hitman
Of cars and phones and guns no need has he
With his trusty scythe in hand
He'll gladly send you to the land
Wherein your Maker shall pass judgement
Unto thee!
The scythe sails right on by
As you go to take a bite
And takes the life of some poor waitress
Standing by
As her blood pools on the floor
Who should step into the door
But a man with thick sideburns
And murder in his eyes
His finger points at you
And he says, “How do you do?
I'm really sorry about that waitress,
Dude, my bad.
But would you please pick up that scythe
And then kindly end your life
‘Cause if you don't then I will make you
Wish you had.”
This is the Ballad of the Amish Hitman
He'll build a barn then hang you
From the beams
With his trusty scythe in hand
He'll gladly send you to the land
Wherein your Maker shall pass judgement
Unto thee!
You ask, “What is my crime?”
As you try to buy some time
And plan your exit
From this hellish greasy spoon
He says, “I don't believe in violence,
But God demands that you be silenced
As you threw a plastic cup
Upon the ground.”
You say, “What? That's absurd!
The dumbest thing I ever heard!
Do I deserve to die
For simple littering?”
He says, “Yep, them’s the breaks.
You hurt the earth and trees and lakes.”
Your last sensation is to feel
His bitter sting
So ends the Ballad of the Amish Hitman
His love for Nature he takes seriously
With his trusty scythe in hand
He'll gladly send you to the land
Wherein your Maker shall pass judgement
Unto thee!
The Amish Hitman comes for all
Eventually...
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5. |
Half-Hour Harlot
03:22
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Slow day at a big box store, no money in the bank, gotta get her some more, she’s got a lot left in the tank,
She'll eat her sandwich while she's doing the deed
What? A girl's gotta eat even while you satisfy your need
Don’t want no second job, that shit is for chumps,
She’s got a lunch break getting dollars for humps,
She’s a half hour harlot, because times are tough,
When she’s short on cash, it’s time to sell some ass,
if you judge her you can go straight to hell, Those bills aren’t gonna pay themselves,
The clock is ticking, better have your fun fast
‘Cause if you don't then when your thirty’s up you won't get to blast
Nobody’s hiring in this shithole town
So to get those dollar bills she’ll gladly take you down to pound town
Make no mistake this girl's a slave to the clock
And when her break is over she'll say goodbye to your cock
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6. |
Used Sex Toys
03:18
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Girl you wanna get off,
Girl you wanna get off with me,
Last night we came to a crossroads,
You sighed as I blew my load,
It's not the first time for us,
I've got the right plan for us,
There's a store at the edge of town,
Won't take checks, credit or crowns,
He's got a cash deal for me,
Says he cleans them almost daily,
Used sex toys, good for girls or boys,
Used sex toys, come on let’s make some noise,
Get in the bedroom, meet me there,
I’ve got seventeen dollars of self care,
It’s not the first use of these,
Got any fresh double A batteries,
We start to go and you flop around,
It’s so hot you pissed your nightgown,
Is that smoke coming from your fillings,
Bare wires can be oh, so thrilling,
Used sex toys, good for girls or boys,
Used sex toys, come on girl let’s make some noise,
Used sex toys, when you wake up we can have more fun,
Used sex toys, oh shit, should I call 911,
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7. |
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I’m coming live from your mother’s bedroom,
She got a glow in her eyes just for me,
I’ll take her hand and close the door,
Den she won’t be your mudder anymore,
Whoa-oh I'm coming live,
Two glasses of wine, a wink in my direction,
It’s a good sign I’ll say,
Den she hands me a lightbulb and I wonder,
What kind of freak she be,
She points me to a stool, says, fix it you fool,
Den I’m screwing but not like you think,
While you’re out with your laddies, have a good time,
‘Cause you'll come home and I’ll be your daddy,
I’m coming live from your mudder’s sofa,
Her clothes in a pile around me,
When I’m done folding laundry, I’ll surely get to fondling,
And soon we’ll be snogging, you’ll see,
Now we’re sweating together in the bathroom,
The thing won’t paint itself no siree,
Maybe next we’ll get to showering, and then some deflowering,
But den she pushed me out, the door locking behind me,
I’m coming live from your mudder’s hallway,
Listening to her moaning,
I hear a big sploosh, it’s just her dropping a deuce,
And it’s starting to get smelly,
I’m headed to the door as she chases,
I’ve got a few more projects for you boy-o,
It’s not worth the bragging if we never get to shagging,
I swing the door open to flee,
I’m coming live from your mudder’s driveway,
Hopping my bike,
She wants my balls in her pocket, but won’t touch my rocket,
I don’t wanna be cougar bait no more,
No, I don’t wanna be cougar bait no more.
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8. |
Bible Bungalow
06:22
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Hard times fell on the land but Rev. Wilson wasn’t scared,
God would provide for his flock and the church band,
The city tore down their chapel, steeple and all,
Condemned as support beams threatened to fall,
One Saturday night he pulled to the side of the road, his head in his hands,
He wasn’t sure where God did lead but still he did believe,
He heard a giggle and looked up to a girl scantily clad,
Maybe this was his sign, a chance to minister to someone who never had a dad,
Raising a hand, good evening miss but she strolled by with an open bottle of wine,
Feeling doubt he looked up and then did see his sign,
He said, God I don’t know, did you really lead me to the Booby Bungalow,
God replied let it be so, watch me work and I will provide,
Rev. Wilson didn’t have the cash but made a mad dash for a payphone in the parking lot,
Gunshots rang out and he covered his head, waiting for the smoke to clear,
When it was safe he stepped out to see bodies everywhere,
A Mercedes with a trunk open wide and a stack of cash inside,
He said God I don’t know, should I really buy a strip club with that name, oh no,
God replied, take the cash, let it be so, you’ll call it the Bible Bungalow,
The bank didn’t object, though it was strange, they only raised an eye,
Rev. Wilson plopped down the cash and chomped down a ham and swiss on rye,
Sunday service came and his congregation began to arrive,
With a big smile, Rev. Wilson swung the doors open wide,
He said God I don’t know, can I really have a service with a stripper pole,
God replied, if the spirit leads you to dance, just keep on your pants,
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9. |
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10. |
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Do you have a mirror in your pocket, ‘cause I can see myself in your pants,
Your daddy must have been a baker, ‘cause you’ve got a nice set of buns,
Is there an airport nearby, or is my heart just taking off,
Do you have a map, ‘cause in your eyes I keep getting lost,
Excuse me mam are you lost, because heaven is a long way from here,
Baby you must be a broom ‘cause you swept me off my feet,
You’re gonna put Hershey’s out of business for being so sweet,
Chicks dig me ‘cause I wear colored under drawers,
Oh man I think I crapped my pants, can I borrow yours.
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11. |
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Pat Benatar once said
That love is a battlefield
And boy was she ever right
I'm unlucky in love
And this swingers’ party
Might kickstart a romance tonight
I pull up to the house
My eyes widen with surprise
As I recognize my grandparents’ old house
I think, “This is weird,
But I'm already here,”
So I open my car and get out
In through the front door
My jaw drops to the floor
As it's wall to wall elderly sex
From windows to walls
Saggy breasts, wrinkled balls,
My grandfather’s getting pegged by his ex
My god my grandparents are swingers
I Thought they were dead and their house had been sold
I'm a terrible grandson for not keeping tabs
Mentally scarred by the sex of the old
My grandma’s suspended from a sex swing
In a gang bang
With her bridge club’s husbands
Every hole has been filled
To my soul I am chilled
As she takes some wrinkly old dicks
In her hands
My sanity can't take any more of this
To survive I avert
My shocked gaze
But what should I see
Oh it's Mrs. Crabtree
Getting covered in my grandpa's hot glaze
My god my grandparents are swingers
I thought they were dead and their house had been sold
I'm a terrible grandson for not keeping tabs
Mentally scarred by the sex of the old
Age is just a number
You're only as old as you feel
You're never too old to have sexy fun
I only wish I hadn't seen it
My poor brain just can't believe it
How in Christ's name will I ever heal
So that's the story my friend
Of how I ended up here
In a mental ward on the outskirts of town
My mind's been destroyed
I saw into the void
More horrors than I can say
Sounds like fisting a jar of mayonnaise
With floppy moist folds all around
My god my grandparents are swingers
I thought they were dead and their house had been sold
I'm a terrible grandson for not keeping tabs
Mentally scarred by the sex of the old
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Gentlemyn North Carolina
Mr. Case was singing Karaoke when Mr. Boss found him on the street. They joined Mr. Case's voice with Mr. Boss's arrangements to form Gentlemyn. But still, something was missing. Along came Mr. Alexander to complete this trio with his multifaceted talents. They first entered Bossman Studios in May of 2017. The rest is history. ... more
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